I do not ask to walk smooth paths
Nor bear an easy load.
I pray for strength and fortitude
To climb the rock-strewn road.
–Gail Brook Burket
Xu Ping sprawled on his bed and fell asleep.
There were two single beds side by side in the room.
Every winter, their dad would push the two together and the brothers would
huddle together for warmth on the cold nights.
Xu Ping had bad circulation and his hands and feet
were always icy to the touch in winter; Xu Zheng was smaller in size but
radiated heat like a fire.
Snowy nights up north meant that the coal furnace
couldn’t make the room more than a few degrees warmer. The moment you go under
the freezing covers, you must have a tremendous amount of willpower not to jump
out shivering like a fish in broiling oil.
On these nights, Xu Ping would pretend to have a lot
of homework and delay going to bed. Only when Xu Zheng had warmed the bed would
he quickly strip off his winter coat, jump under the covers and hug his brother
tight.
Xu Zheng wouldn’t complain even if he was woken up,
and would turn around to pull his brother who was a head taller than he into
his arms.
And Xu Ping would ask every time, “Are you cold?”
Xu Zheng would nod honestly but still stick his
brother’s cold hands under his own winter pajamas.
Warming his brother’s hands and feet was one of li’l Xu Zheng’s jobs.
His brother might have been impatient with him during
the day but would always be very gentle on cold winter nights. His brother
wouldn’t tell him to go away or call him stupid. Even if he made some mistakes,
he would be quickly forgiven. If the older boy was in a good mood, he might
even ask the younger boy about his day at school, what he did, whom he met, what
he had for lunch and such. Xu Zheng always took a long time before he came up
with his answer, and by then, Xu Ping was likely nodding off. His breaths
brushed Xu Zheng’s neck like the itchy swipes of a dog’s wagging tail, making
an entire side of his body tingly.
That was a Xu Zheng that his brother never knew, one
who would tuck the taller boy in snugly with clumsy hands so that he may have a
toasty dream.
It was already dark by the time Xu Ping woke up. Someone had taken his shoes off and pulled the covers over him so that he managed to find some sleep after days of insomnia.
None of the lights were on in the house.
He couldn’t hear anything except the ticking of the
clock in the living room.
Dad was probably out.
The spot where he had been slapped was still stinging
but he let out a sigh of relief.
He gulped down a glass of water from the kitchen and wiped
his mouth with the back of his hand. He felt revived.
He glanced at the clock when he went back to the
living room. Under the dim moonlight, he saw the hands point to eight-thirty.
He had slept for nearly nine hours!
Whiff. A red
dot lit up in the dark only to disappear in the next moment.
Xu Ping stopped dead in his tracks.
The master bedroom door was not fully shut, and he
could see the large, still figure that was his dad seated deep in the weave
chair. His back was slightly hunched as though something heavy was weighing
down on his spine. He had his arms rested on the knees while a lit cigarette
rested between his left index and middle fingers. Its feeble red light winked
in and out of existence.
Something about this picture made Xu Ping’s heart
ache.
Lazy smoke slithered up into the dark air like an ugly
beast preparing its attack. The red light glowed at the lift of a hand, and the
white paper turned into bleak ash only to fall down without a sound.
Xu Ping turned around, wanting to pretend like he had
not seen anything and walk away.
“Xu Ping?” Xu Chuan asked with his back to the door.
Xu Ping could only stop and answer, “It’s me.”
The two fell quiet.
They were the two closest people, yet they couldn’t
find the words to hold a conversation.
Xu Chuan killed the smoke and, along with it, all his
dark emotions.
“Hungry? I’ll fix us something.”
Neither of them said a word during the meal.
The tomatoes were a bit burnt and the omelette had
bits of eggshell in it. Xu Ping spat out the chewed shells and continued eating
his rice.
“Have more veggies.” Xu Chuan put some chives into his
son’s bowl.
Xu Ping glanced up. “Thank you, Dad.”
Clunk. The
clock hand jumped to nine-thirty. Normally, Xu Zheng would be in bed at this
time.
The father and son stopped eating at the same time,
and a heavy silence hovered in the room.
“I’ll clean up. You go to bed; you have school
tomorrow.” Xu Chuan pulled back his chair and stood up to tidy the dishes.
Xu Ping had just come out from the bathroom after brushing his teeth when he heard a knock at the door.
There was the splish-splash of water coming from the
kitchen with the occasional clinking of dishes and chopsticks.
Xu Ping opened the door to find a plump middle-aged
woman with long permed curls standing in the lightless hall. She was wearing a
blue satin one-piece while carrying a plastic net bag in one hand.
Xu Ping found her familiar but couldn’t put his finger
on it.
“Who are you looking for, ma’am?”
The woman pulled a smile and asked, “Is Lao-Xu in?”
Xu Ping nodded and turned around to get his dad.
Xu Chuan dried his hands and went to see the visitor
while Xu Ping dried the clean dishes and placed them back into the cupboard.
He could hear quiet voices from the doorway. His dad
was probably having small talk with the visitor. Their voices were too low and
he couldn’t make out the words.
In less than five minutes, he heard the door close and
the lock clinking into place.
Xu Ping walked out of the kitchen to see his dad placing
the bag full of canned fruits on the dinner table.
“Who was that?”
Xu Chuan didn’t answer.
Xu Ping rummaged through the bag; peach, pineapple,
mandarin orange, and even two jars of lychee which was hard to find even if you
had the money to buy it.
At that time, canned fruits were a rare delicacy.
Xu Ping instantly became curious of this generous
madam. “Who was that? Why did she give us so much canned fruit?”
Xu Chuan replied, “You’ve seen her before. She’s the commissar of the Cultural Troupe, your classmate Lu Jia’s mom.”
“Better that he dies! His mom’s half a retard, and his dad wasn’t clean either. That’s why they got married, and their kid, Xu Zheng, turned out a retard, too! My mom said so, that’s what everyone at work says! Retard is in the genes! So when Xu Ping gets married, his son’s gonna be just like his brother, all retards!”
Xu Ping stared at his dad.
Xu Chuan stayed mute.
Xu Ping asked, “And you took it, Dad?”
Xu Chuan said, “Yes, I did.”
Xu Ping nodded. “Good.”
He pushed open the living room windows. A round moon
hung in the sky and a cool breeze blew in from afar.
He spotted Lu Jia’s mom walking out from his building,
her high heels knocking sharply on the concrete. The faulty streetlights were
flashing on and off as clouds of moths fluttered about.
Xu Ping didn’t know where he got the strength to hurl
the dozen or so jars out the window.
BANG! CRACK! The
glass shattered into a million pieces, scattering across the concrete. The
sweet stench of fruits could be smelled from where he was.
The startled woman turned around.
Xu Ping shrieked out the window. “We don’t want your
fucking fruit! Give me back my brother! Give ‘im back!”
The lights of the homes in the complex turned on and
the residents were poking their heads out to see.
Xu Ping was jumping in fury as he held onto the windowsill.
“So what if he’s a retard?! What right do you have to bully him?! Tell Lu Jia
to come! Why didn’t he come to school?! He was fine beating me with a brick,
wasn’t he?! You stinkin’ moneybags think you can do anything! He should come to
finish the job, then! Get him here! Imma kill him! Imma–”
Xu Chuan grabbed his son by the waist and pulled him
away from the window.
The boy’s nail broke on the windowsill and began to bleed.
The neighbours were talking and even the houses on the
other side had their lights on.
The woman scurried off, not even looking at where she
was going, and the sound of her clattering heels faded away.
Xu Chuan closed the windows.
His son was sitting on the floor, crying with clenched
teeth.
“Why did you accept her gift?!”
“She came to apologize.”
“Do you know what she says about us behind our backs?!
She said you married Mom because of your status. She said retard is in the
genes. She said Xu Zheng’s a retard because Mom was a retard!”
“What they choose to say is up to them.”
Xu Ping questioned with eyes red with fury. “Are we
your sons or not?!”
Xu Chuan really wanted to slap the boy, but he stopped
himself.
He pulled his son off from the floor, barking, “What
do you want me to do?! Beat them up to exact revenge?! You want me to go beat
up Lu Jia and his mom?!”
Xu Ping was dumbfounded. He knew that it was not the
right thing to do, but he was in so much pain. It felt like he was walking
barefoot on the scorching road to hell, and he just wanted to drag everyone who
had hurt him along with him.
After a long pause, Xu Chuan finished, “Sorry, but I
can’t do that.”
Xu Ping cried, “I hate you, Dad!”
Xu Chuan grabbed his son’s shoulders. It took all his
will to stop the rage from taking over.
He had always thought that being a father was one of
the most difficult things in life, but never had he ever wanted to explode with
anger.
“You look down on Xu Zheng. You think he’s stupid and
clingy. You think he’s always holding you back and making the classmates bully
you and laugh at you, don’t you?! And when I don’t exact revenge like the way
you want, you think I don’t care about you, don’t love you, so you hate me. Is
that right?!”
Xu Ping just kept sobbing.
Xu Chuan thought he must have been a failure of a father.
How did he raise a son like this? The boy understood nothing. This was nothing
compared to the hardships that life had in plan.
He said to Xu Ping, “Your brother can see no one else.
He’s slow to feel pain. He can’t feel anything when people bully him or
ridicule him. There’s only one person in this world who can hurt him. Now tell
me who that is!”
Xu Ping was crying so hard he could not breathe.
He knew. He had always known. His brother had gone
missing because he told him to go die. It was his sin and it trapped him in
like a tar pit, suffocating him.
Xu Chuan let go of his son.
“I am a failure of a father, and you are a failure of
a brother! I’ll say this once. Never hold someone else responsible for your own
responsibilities! You think life is unfair. Life is unfair to each and every
person. What you must do is to shoulder the responsibility that belongs to you.
You must not fear and run away, and do not blame someone else!”
Xu Ping was gasping for air while he said, “I’m sorry,
I’m sorry….”
He had been waiting, waiting for the chance to
apologize to his brother and to beg for his forgiveness.
All his hate and anger was not aimed at others but
rather a reflection of himself.
He hated himself more than anyone else.
Xu Chuan pulled his son close. “You’re a man! And men
don’t cry!” He wiped the boy’s face clumsily. “Just remember to say sorry to
your brother when he comes back.”
Xu Ping nodded as he choked on his tears.
“Don’t use the word ‘hate’ so easily again. You’ll
find out when you grow up that there is so much hate in this world that two
strangers could murder each other in cold blood over disputes about money or
differences in values. If you hate your family, then you have no reason to keep
living. Don’t talk about dying so easily, either. Dying is nothing; everyone
dies. But living is much harder. Remember, Xu Ping, you will only have one
brother, Xu Zheng, and Xu Zheng will only have you as his one brother. I will
die too one day, so if you really feel sorry, you must live on for his sake!”
Xu Ping nodded as tears trickled down his face.
Xu Chuan didn’t know how much of this the young boy
understood. No one knew better than him how heavy a burden it was.
But Xu Ping was still young and Xu Chuan could still
support them for now.
He really wanted Xu Ping to promise him that he would
never abandon his brother after their dad died, but in the end, he couldn’t say
it.
Xu Chuan sighed and brought his son in for a hug.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
ayszhang: I didn't even realize it was Valentine's!!! That's why I'm releasing this before any proofreaders has worked on it <3 Wish y'all a happy Valentine's and remember it's also Single's Awareness Day :'D
Eight
Brother - English Translation by ayszhang is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.
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